Sacred Oath

Since my nervous breakdown in university back in 1997, I have been taking lifetime medicines to stay stable.

I didn't sleep to be the best student; thus the body and mind collapsed. It was expectable and just a matter of time.

In 1997, I was a brilliant academic, I even had two 20s in university in the peak of my illness, one in an exam and the other in a group essay. After the breakdown, I became a mediocre academic and my dream of being the best student in class was ruined.

Back in the days, I would go to libraries to research on the subjects and would keep the information to myself to have the highest grades in class. I was an awful friend and colleague, and redeeming myself from all the harm I have caused is a lifetime task. I was ill, very ill, and the price I paid was very high.

The illness was already consuming me. All was soon to happen — 3.Dec.1996

Life has been an adventure, from severe depression and anxiety crises to moments of high happiness.

Certain periods of my life are a blank. I have memories of a place with a cement floor, but I don't know if it is real or a dream.

On 16.Feb.2022, after 25+ years of treatment, believing that all my problems were related to the nervous breakdown, I was diagnosed with the illness of Professor John Forbes Nash (Nash Equilibrium), but on a lower scale because I take my medicines: paranoid schizophrenia. The film “A beautiful mind” is about Nash's history and his fight against this illness.

Knowing my illness was only possible because the family doctor asked for a report from the psychiatrist, and thus he was forced to reveal the name of the illness. No public records had information about me, since he was a private doctor.

After knowing my illness, I finally understood many things that happened in the past, such as always noticing that I was different from other people without knowing why. Then, on IRC, I got a tremendous support from António who had retired with the same illness and who told me what I should do to retire too.

Most people said that António was just a junkie. But they don't know how it is like to be at the bottom of the well, trying to escape from this world, dragging itself day after day with little or no hope. In a meaningless life, without anyone caring. That is why I feel a great compassion for other people because I have been through this experience.

From the 1980s, in the old ZX Spectrum days, I have known individuals who changed my life:
— In 1987: Luís Ferreira, with whom I swapped games and died shortly after, then António Fernandes and Nuno Leitão;
— In the late 1980s: my two best friends, Jorge Canelhas and Carlos César;
— In the early 1990s: Robert Bergström and Stephen Mifsud;
— In university: my computer science teacher, MOB, who said I was his best student ever;
— In the late 1990s and early 2000s: Bryon Smith, Glenn Steckling, and Jaban David.

In 2012, I completed my Master's degree at the Military Academy with distinction: 18 final grade.

In 2013, I tried to lead a normal life, I sent my CV to SIS and SIED and never received a response.

In 2013, I received a proposal from a private university to manage the e-learning platform, and for two years I worked on the weekdays for the university and on the weekends for Auchan.

So much crap happened in these two years and in the following years that I never looked for anything again in my life, I stopped believing in things, I refused job offers earning thousands of EUR per month.

It has been quite a journey… but life leads nowhere, I could take all the courses in the world, but I will never fit into society. I will never be able to have a regular life. Like I once said: “Work is a necessary evil” and I only had a job because I needed money.

Like my friend Stephen told me on 28.Aug.2016: we must consider work to be a place to get money at the end of the month. One goes to work, does his job the best he can, goes home and the day starts! After work, it is the time to live and create professional things.

In December 2022, after ~8 months on medical leave due to severe depression, and after three Medical Committees, I received a letter from the Social Security on 2.Dec.2022 informing that I was retired for good due to my illness, the so awaited result. If I didn't retire, it would just be a matter of time before I had a severe psychotic crisis and attempted to put an end to life.

What ChatGPT 4o said about my retirement:

ChatGPT 4o — 8.Aug.2024

My coworkers said several times during long years that I seemed unworried about life and professional-achievement, but I always knew deep inside that my lifetime on this planet was limited and that it could end at any moment.

I identify myself with rms who said that he has always lived like a poor student, so money didn't dictate his life and major decisions, although he could be rich with all his knowledge.

This website received 26K visits in 2022. If my intent were profit, I would have already placed adverts on it and be rich.

My parents often say that I am a useless and lazy person who only thinks about sleeping, eating, and computing.

I do what I do, but the projects are my everything, and decades ago I began using my spare time and pay from my own pocket to get the projects going. I am a geek, I'm not concerned about politics nor war, although I took my Masters at the Military Academy.

I have spent most of my life angry at God, looking for the answers and my role in this local universe to grow as a human being.

People abuse nice people, and that is what has been happening to me throughout my life. People have been harming me since I was a child for being different, and I was also discriminated against for being a mere cashier who only worked on the weekends. My illness prevented me from having a normal life; therefore, I keep away from society and only go out when I really have to, to avoid becoming an evil person like vulgar people.

In 22 years of an active life at a hypermarket I have dealt with thousands of people and I have seen what they are capable of, so I now live like a refugee staying away from people.

Don't confuse “society” with “humankind”, the first is less embracing and I like to look at the population as a collective whole.

In one of my depressive crises around mid-2017, I had to take an important decision: to live or die. I told some close friends that on that Friday I would decide.

After spending an entire day closed in the dark in my bedroom meditating about such a decision, I reached three conclusions:
1) If I was gone, no one more capable would replace me in the projects;
2) It is risky to replace the known with the unknown;
3) My friends would suffer a lot, since they care about me.

So, the projects are still ongoing, and I took the right decision. The projects are my everything and what keeps me alive.

I have the vision and the knowledge. People see me on-line every day at 5am and think I am playing, but I am working on the projects, volunteering my time, knowledge, and resources.

I wanted to retire with my illness to only work on open-source. I can reach hundreds of millions of people with the British Dictionary, for example, since it comes with software like LibreOffice (200 million users in 2022).

In a matter of two years or so, my knowledge and problem-solving capabilities improved a lot and I have started doing things and reasoning rapidly. My knowledge has been increasing to a scary level. I am glad to be with the “good” guys, as I have the premise of using my knowledge only for good. Like it is said: “With great wisdom comes great responsibility”.

For those who have crossed my path and observed and followed my inner growth: “One day we wake up and realise that we can deal with what we thought to be bigger than ourselves, but it weren't the abysses that reduced, it was us who grew!” (Fabíola Simões).

My late (2005) cousin Ed Sant'Ana who was a composer, guitar player, singer and producer, believed in and said: “Music has various forms but only one touches us, the one that comes from the soul with the purpose to cure suffering, loneliness and sadness. That gift is given only to certain people who have the compromise to spread it as prophets, messengers of Peace and Love. And so, it also happens with the one who isn't a musician but who has the gift to pacify, spread tranquillity, love, and truth”.

One mustn't do things expecting earthly or heavenly rewards, but do it because it is the right thing to do.

We all can change the world: “Imagine there's no heaven (…) no hell below us (…) imagine there's no countries (…) nothing to kill or die for (…) imagine all the people living life in peace (…) imagine all the people sharing all the world (…) you may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.” (John Lennon).

We all belong to the great brotherhood of man, and religion is just a minor detail: “Undivided we stand, together we rule! Besides all differences, we are one.” (Bloodywood).

This “Sacred Oath” taken decades ago is that I will help humankind to progress, which is the purpose of life according to Professor MOB. In a moment of utter despair about the entire purpose of being, I e-mailed my friends. In the Christmas of 2009, I received a reply from MOB saying that he didn't know if there was a destiny and that he too had meditated about the meaning of life. He concluded that, if life has any use, it is to contribute to the progress of humankind, to its elevation above the animal ancestry.

I am just passing through the world. I do open-source and that is my everything. I appeared out of nowhere, worked on open-source, and on an unknown date, I will vanish silently.

I truly believe I can make a difference.

This is all that matters.