Sacred Oath
Sacred Oath
For those who have known me for decades know that I have
taken the commitment of helping humankind to progress.
Since my nervous breakdown in university back in 1997, I
have been taking lifetime medicines to stay stable.
I didn't sleep at night to be the best student; thus the
body and mind collapsed. It was expectable and just a matter
of time.
In 1997, I was a brilliant academic, I even had two 20s in
university in the peak of the illness, one in an exam and
the other in a group essay. After the breakdown, I became a
mediocre academic and my dream of being the best was ruined.
Back in the days, I would go to libraries to research on the
subjects and would keep the information to myself to have
the highest grades in class. I was a terrible friend and
colleague, and redeeming myself from all the harm I have
caused is a lifetime task. I was ill, very ill, and the
price I paid was very high.
The illness was
already consuming me. All was soon to
happen — 3.Dec.1996
Life has been an adventure, from severe depression and
anxiety crises to moments of high happiness.
Without the nervous breakdown, I would never have met
Professor Carvalho Rodrigues.
Certain periods of my life are a blank. I have memories of a
place with a cement floor, but I don't know if it is real or
a dream.
On 16.Feb.2022, after 25+
years of treatment, believing that all my problems were
related to the nervous breakdown, I was diagnosed with the
illness of Professor John Forbes Nash (Nash Equilibrium),
but on a lower scale because I take my medicines: paranoid
schizophrenia. The film “A
beautiful mind” is about Nash's history and his
fight against this illness.
Knowing my illness was only possible because the family
doctor asked for a report from the psychiatrist, and thus he
was forced to reveal the name of the illness. No public
records had information about me, since he was a private
doctor.
Only after knowing my illness, I finally understood many
things that happened in the past, such as always noticing
that I was different from other people without knowing why.
Then, on IRC, I got a huge support from António who had
retired with the same illness and who told me what I should
do to retire too.
Most people said that António was just a junkie, but most
people don't know how it is like to be at the bottom of the
well, trying to escape from this world, dragging itself day
after day with little or no hope, in a meaningless life,
without anyone caring. That is why I feel a great compassion
for other people because I have been through this
experience.
From the 1980s, in the old ZX Spectrum days, I have known
individuals who changed my life:
— In 1987: Luís Ferreira, with whom I swapped games
and died shortly after, then António Fernandes and Nuno
Leitão;
— In the late 1980s: my two best friends, Jorge
Canelhas and Carlos César;
— In the early 1990s: Robert Bergström and Stephen
Mifsud;
— In university: my computer science teacher, MOB, who
said I was his best student ever;
— In the late 1990s and early 2000s: Bryon Smith,
Glenn Steckling, and Jaban David.
Throughout my life, I have been discriminated against
for being a mere cashier who only works on the weekends.
The truth is that my illness prevented me from having a
normal life.
In 2012, I completed my Master's degree at the Military
Academy with distinction, 18 final grade.
In 2013, I tried to lead a normal life, I sent my CV to
SIS and SIED and never received a response.
In 2013, I received a proposal from a private university
to manage the e-learning platform, and for two years I
worked on the weekdays for the university and on the
weekends for Auchan.
So much crap happened in these two years and in the
following years that I never looked for anything again
in my life, I stopped believing in things, I refused job
offers earning thousands of EUR per month.
It has been quite a journey… but life leads nowhere, I
could take all the courses in the world, but I will
never fit into society. I will never be able to have a
regular life. Like I once said: “Work
is a necessary evil” and I only had a job
because I needed money.
Like my friend Stephen told me on
28.Aug.2016: we must consider work to be a
place to get money at the end of the month. One goes to
work, does his job the best he can, goes home and the
day starts! After work, it is the time to live and
create professional things.
In December 2022, after 7 or 8 months on medical leave
due to depression, and after three Medical Committees, I
received a letter from the Social Security on 2.Dec.2022
informing that I was retired for good due to my illness,
the so awaited result. If I
didn't get the retirement, it would just be a matter
of time before I had a severe psychotic crisis and
attempted to put an end to life.
My coworkers said several times during long years that I
seemed unworried about life and
professional-achievement, but I always knew deep inside
that my lifetime on this planet was limited and that it
could end at any moment.
I identify myself with rms
who said that he has always lived like a student with little
money, so money didn't dictate his life and major choices,
and thus he was not enslaved by “God
Money”, although he could be rich with all his
knowledge.
This website receives around 25K visits per year. If my
intent were profit, I would have already placed adverts on
it and be rich.
My
parents often say that I am a useless and lazy person
who only thinks about sleeping, eating, and computing.
I do what I do, but the projects are my everything, and
decades ago I began using my spare time and pay from my own
pocket to get the projects going. I am a computer geek, I
don't care about politics nor war, although I took my
Masters at the Military Academy.
I have spent most of my life angry at God, looking for the
answers and my role in this local universe to grow as a
human being.
People abuse nice people, and that is what has been
happening to me all over my life, people have been harming
me since I was a child. Therefore, I keep away from society
and only go out when I really have to, to avoid becoming an
evil person like vulgar people. My psychological state has
been degrading.
In 22 years of an active life at a hypermarket I have dealt
with thousands of people and I have seen what they are
capable of, so I now live like a refugee staying away from
people.
Don't confuse “society”
with “humankind”,
the first is less embracing and I like to look at the
population as a collective whole.
In one of my depressive crises around mid-2017, I had to
take an important decision: to live or die. I told some
close friends that on that Friday I would decide.
After spending an entire day closed in the dark in my
bedroom meditating about such a decision, I reached three
conclusions:
1) If I was gone, no one more capable would
replace me in the projects;
2) It is risky to replace the known with the
unknown;
3) My friends would suffer a lot, since they
care about me.
So, the projects are still ongoing, and I took the right
decision. The projects are my
everything and what keeps me alive.
I have the vision and the knowledge. People see me on-line
every day at 5am and think I am playing, but I am working on
the projects, volunteering my time, knowledge, and
resources.
I wanted to retire with my illness to only work on
open-source. I can reach hundreds of millions of people with
the British Dictionary, for example, since it comes with
software like LibreOffice (200 million users in 2022).
In a matter of two years or so, my knowledge and
problem-solving capabilities improved a lot and I have
started doing things and reasoning very quickly. My
knowledge has been increasing to a scary level. I am glad to
be with the “good” guys, as I have the premise of
using my knowledge only for good. Like it is said: “With
great wisdom comes great responsibility”.
For those who have crossed my path and observed and followed
my inner growth: “One day we
wake up and realise that we can deal with what we thought
to be bigger than ourselves, but it weren't the abysses
that reduced, it was us who grew!” (Fabíola
Simões).
On 29.Mar.2021 I was
chatting on IRC and a person said he was going to teach me a
lesson: to never do for free the things I am good at. I
replied that I use my knowledge to help humankind and that,
when I am good at something, I have to share it with
humankind and not profit from it. That is why every victory
for me is a victory for humankind.
My late (2005) cousin Ed Sant'Ana who was a
composer, guitar player, singer and producer, believed in
and said: “Music has various
forms but only one touches us, the one that comes from the
soul with the purpose to cure suffering, loneliness and
sadness. That gift is given only to certain people who
have the compromise to spread it as prophets messengers of
Peace and Love… and so, it also happens with the one who
isn't a musician but who has the gift to pacify, spread
tranquillity, love, and truth”.
One mustn't do things
expecting earthly or heavenly rewards, but do it because it
is the right thing to do.
We can change the world: “Imagine
there's no heaven (…) no hell below us (…) imagine there's
no countries (…) nothing to kill or die for (…) imagine
all the people living life in peace (…) imagine all the
people sharing all the world (…) you may say I'm a
dreamer, but I'm not the only one.” (John
Lennon).
We all belong to the great brotherhood of man, and religion
is just a minor detail. “Undivided
we stand, together we rule! Besides all differences, we
are one.” (Bloodywood).
This “Sacred Oath” taken
decades ago is that as long as I live, I will help humankind
to progress, which is the purpose of life according to
Professor MOB. In the Christmas of 2009, I received an e-mail
from him saying that he didn't know if there was a destiny
and that he too had meditated about the meaning of life. He
concluded that, if life has any use, it is to contribute to
the progress of humankind, to its elevation above the animal
ancestry.
I truly believe I can make a difference.
This is all that matters.
Last update: 2.Mar.2024